Priorities

It's funny to think about the things we value in life. For most, value is strictly monetary related. How nice of a car you drive, the location and size of your house, the places you go out to eat, the designer clothes in your closet. For some, worth has less to do with money... at least I have a car that runs, at least I have a warm bed to come to every night, at least we could gather everyone together for this Thanksgiving meal, at least my shoes fit.

And then for some, value only has to do with importance. Can I make it to the bus stop in time to not lose my job? Will there be an open bed for me at the shelter tonight? Can I collect enough money on this street corner to buy a loaf of bread today? Will I be able to find a coat for the winter?

I remember loving Christmas when I was little. My sister and I would wake up and run downstairs, the banister lit up and wrapped with lights and festive garland. Our parents would sit with us in their pajamas, handing out boxes filled with the latest toys and gadgets we had been hoping so badly for. We'd rip apart boxes and stick bows on our foreheads, being disappointed occasionally with gifts of new jeans and t-shirts.

And then we got older and times got tougher. Not so many presents, less expensive presents and eventually no presents at all. I remember not despising the season because we lacked gifts, but because we lacked the happiness. The things I miss weren't the fancy electronics, the latest video games or the Christmas trees... I just miss the feelings. The laughter, the smiles, the false sense of stability.

Because when you're young, your parents often do a great job of not letting you realize things. Children don't realize that the Easter Bunny isn't real, or that Santa at the mall was just some old man trying to make an extra dollar. They also don't understand what it means to "not have the money" and they sure as hell don't understand words like divorce and foreclosure. As children we're just focused on the important things, like if we're getting that new bike or baseball bat for Christmas.

In today's day and age we must impress in order to be a success. We have to flaunt our cash, buy things we know we can't afford, lest we look like fools not keeping up with the Jones'. We spend ridiculous amounts of cash on things that hold no true value because those are the things we're conditioned to believe matter... the things that show we're doing just fine. We care less about our company and more about the quantity and quality of our gifts. You jump in your 2013 BMW on your way home from brunch and notice the intern enviously staring as you drive away but fail to notice the disappointment in your wife's face as you leave without giving her a kiss or sincere I love you each morning... priorities.

I just wish I would've grown up dirt poor. I wish my parents would have been able to afford nothing more than an action figure, that one I really wanted. I wish they would have lectured me on how it wasn't cheap but they got it because they knew it would make me smile so much my face would hurt. Because I would have never let that fucking thing go... until that day when I'd lose it. Because I'd spend that entire day crying, that was the only thing I had... the only thing I loved. And then hopefully my parents would sit me down and let me know how big of a sacrifice that was for them and how I wouldn't be getting another one unless I saved the money to get it myself.

I wish they'd lecture me on how it was just a goddamn toy. About how you should never love a fucking toy more than you love the person who made the sacrifice to get it for you. The person who was working 80 hours a week. The person who'd literally shovel shit in the Sahara just to put food on the table and a roof over your head. The person that hurt more than you when you lost that toy because it was so goddamn expensive but they knew it would make you smile, and now it was gone... money pissed down the pot.

I wish they would've caught me trying to steal a new toy at the store and I wish they would've beaten my ass 50 shades of black and blue with a belt and then given me a round 2 once I finally healed. I wish they would've never bought me another toy ever again. I wish they would've given me a stick and some tape... and told me to make my own fucking action figure.

And then I'd try to... and maybe it would somewhat look like a stick person, and maybe it wouldn't... but I'd use my imagination. And I'd see the beauty my mind was capable of creating and then I'd eventually make a stick figure action figure for each one of my parents. And then I'd see them cry... and then, maybe then I'd realize that I finally fucking figured it out. That my gift was that of happiness, of a smile on their face... it was a gift of simplicity, nothing fancy or expensive and maybe even free... but something to make them realize how much I appreciate their sacrifices.

We complain so goddamn much and appreciate so fucking little until it all starts to slip away. To have a bed and a roof over your head is such a fucking blessing, yet we solely concern ourselves with its extravagance. We have people in our lives who care about us but we take it for granted and treat them like dirt. We refuse to care about the essentials until we find ourselves on the street, bundled with matted comforters shivering under a bridge... all alone and wondering where it all went wrong.

The only, ONLY thing I want for Christmas and this upcoming year is to never forget to appreciate the bare minimum. To always appreciate friends and every little act of kindness they show. To soak in every kiss and get lost in that someone's eyes every chance I get. To let my mom and sister know how much I care about them every single fucking day. To not care about the price of the shirt and just be happy it's keeping me covered. To just be happy I've got shoes on my feet and food in my belly, helping me to make the best of the day ahead.

You can never appreciate the important things in your life too much. There's nothing scarier than knowing you're strong but feeling weak and helpless... and sometimes right when everything seems to be coming together it can feel like the very foundation is ripped from right underneath you. But in the end, you just have to try your best to remember what's important, you've have to trust you've built a firm foundation within yourself. Strip a man to his bare essentials, strip away the false comforts and you'll see a frightened little boy 99% of the time... I'm gonna be that 1%, no matter how scary it may feel at times. Lord knows it sure as hell feels scary right now, time to face the tide.

Befriending The Boogeyman

Sink or swim, there's no better way to go through life. Nine out of ten people will dip their foot in the water to see how cold it is before they jump in, but I refuse to be one of those people. I prefer the mad ones, the ones that calmly remark "fuck it" and jump out into the unknown. The ones that emerge out of the water gasping for air, swearing at the top of their lungs how cold it is, heckling their friends to stop being such pussies and get in.

It's about committing to the moment, whatever that moment may entail. It's about pain and pride, heartache and happiness. What a wasted life it would be to not explore the vast array of emotion and feelings this world has to offer.

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." - Emerson

I've learned to enjoy pain, to enjoy the dark moments, to look forward to the unknown... to embrace it with open arms. To take every negative as a lesson rather than a punishment. To find happiness that today's pain will bring tomorrow's wisdom. To know that today's misfortunes are tomorrow's opportunity to become something better.

There's nothing I enjoy more than watching people suffer through a workout. It doesn't matter how good or bad the workout goes as long as they fully commit to it... because the amount of character built during those precious moments cannot be measured. I've seen people collapse to the ground in complete exhaustion, I've seen people get punched in the face repeatedly and continue to move forward, I've seen people do the "impossible", I've seen people grab their fears by the throat, smile and calmly whisper "bring it, bitch".

I choose to embrace my fears in all aspects of life. To ask that girl out on a date nobody thinks I have a chance with, to apply for that job that has 500 applicants even if they're only hiring one, to stand up for something I find unjust even if only leads to ridicule from the vast majority.

Non Timebo Mala

Our time on Earth is limited, limiting ourselves to only experiencing what is comfortable, fun and easy is simply not acceptable. Challenge yourself to be scared, to take chances. Stand in front of The Boogeyman, whatever he may represent to you and tell that little bitch, "let's dance".